while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
