I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
