I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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