Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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