Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
