Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
