don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
