Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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