Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
