Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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