I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
