If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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