So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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