I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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