when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
