my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I need moral support for this bender
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
