Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
