every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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