can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
