I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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