i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I didn't notice because vodka
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
