Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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