I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
