If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well I just put wine in my tea
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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