Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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