You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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