I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
