I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
