Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
