How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
