If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
