new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
