the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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