I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
