Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
