Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
