when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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