I want to walk on stilts...naked
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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