Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
