So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
