last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
