Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
