We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
