And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
