11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
