Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
