i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
