Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
