So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
