Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Boobs are out for the taking
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
