OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
